hmm.... I was suppose to have a short break for myself before the whole term start again in jan 2010...yet I was sent to taiwan to work for 8 days...then I need to bring my scouts for trip for another 8 days.....though tiring and was on official duty.... it was still worth it....
well.... I am not touching on my taiwan trip....coz rather the same for most of the days.....
what is more exciting and unforgettable would my trip with my scouts.....
this is the first official trip which I organized for my scouts....most of my time.... the trip was organized by others... and my scouts juz merely joined in.....and when I took over.... I realized I was not totally up to the task.....but I did not wanna my scouts to miss the chance.....so I went ahead and make the trip to be a real exciting trip for them.... but the planning side was tedious and draining....and it was so bad that it put my relationship to strain....and lucky thing my guy was a great one.... he supported me thru the planning.....even though he suffered from emotional hurt too....and I feel very very upset with myself.....but I am real glad that my guy supported me....and real glad that I found someone who adores me and my job ^^
hmm okie okie back to the trip..... well.... we went for white water rafting, high element and caving.... the rafting was cool and fun....... pple would think that you might drown.... maybe but if you are cool and dont panic you would be able to float.... but no worries..... the pple there are expert in handling us... so when we are trying to struggle... they would come near to us and give us the helping hand and I was able to survive.... haha i never went to play the high element...coz this is something I knew I can never do it.... it was so so so tall....and I had cold feet.... so I skipped and I regretted that.... hmmm if given the chance again......erm... I would skip again....haha coz I knew I can never do it de....
oh next caving.... hee this is the first time I did caving.....and the experience was fanstatic.... all of us gotten all wet and cold..... but teamwork was there... my grp pple were able to give others an helping hand... and I am very proud of my team ^^ they are such wonderful kids
hmm next is the wonderful, painful yet scary experience.......why wonderful?? the rovers, leader and scouts over in Malaysia....they were great host and great fun....they cracked jokes with us...and treated us juz like brothers and sisters..... and seeing the waterfall was a great pleasure....yet it became a painful experience.... why painful.... with the mindset that it was only a 1 hour walk to view the waterfall......we leaders decided to wear sandals and enjoyed the wondorous view of waterfall..... up the slope towards waterfall... I realized that my sandals was giving way....and in my mind 1 hour walk.... so it would be alright for me to take off my sandals and walked....who knows.......it turned out to be painful.... I suffered from cuts... bleeding soles.....and I kept dragging my soles to walk..... I tried to wear back my sandals but it was useless.... lucky thing I got my scouts to cheer me on and I struggled thru with bare feet....and kept going....and knocking my poor head against the logs and branches.... I am dead exhusated.... yet I kept moving.... with the waterfall in my mind.... and I need to lead my scouts too...so I need to keep walking.... finally I reached the waterfall!! and what is shocking the nightfall came faster than we expected it.....the jungle was in complete darkness.....
lucky thing I got torchlight from 1 of my leaders....we struggled down the mountain.... by the time we reached the waterfall.... we had climb for the past 3 hours!!! where got 1 hour?? OMG!!! inside my mind I was screaming .... yet I cannot fall down now.... coz I still need to lead my group pple back safely to the campsite..... with my 2 teachers in the front row....all of us marched down towards safe zone...... but I still move without my sandals..... but when we started heading back...... I heard callings.... my colleague moved and slipped along the way..... this was scary... but I need to keep my cool and rushed to help him.... calling out to scouts and getting some of them to aid him..... lucky thing.... my scouts are alright and 2 of them managed to help him.... we kept moving on.... all of us were exhuasted and wanna to give up.... but we encouraged each other....and sung songs....this is how we kept our spirits high.... and finally we made it to the exit.... along the way....all of us screamed due to horrible leeches.... which sucked our blood....painful bites from them.... I got hit by many posion ivy thorns.....and leeches bite.....and to make things worse..... my poor soles were bleeding due to deep cuts....but I need to move on...if not I cannot see my scouts again and my loved ones..... so I need to get out safely and alive.....
finally.... I thought we were going to enjoy the ride back home in the vehicle....who knows...this is juz purely accident.....the vehicle was not safe at all....the driver did not pull the hand brake fully.....and when we loaded up the pple.... out of the sudden...the vehicle went backwards.....and all of us including myself..... we were heading off the stream....and if the vehicle hit the stones....the vehicle would overturn....and all of us were going to die..... and at that instant.... my mind went blank.... I could not think and I could not react at all.... all I knew I was so going to die.... but I would die with regrets.... coz I have not say goodbye to my loved ones..... but lucky.... seriously lucky....one of the wheels went struck onto the big stones....and my leader ran to put up the handbrake.....then all of us pushed the vehicle back and rush back to the campsite..... this was the most scary thing I ever encounter.....and this is a great lesson learnt....and I would never wanna to experience again....
shaken by the fear.... I scolded my girls horribly but I did apologize and explain why.... coz I need to check whether all my scouts have return safely to campsite.....lucky all of them were there.....and still shaking .... I kept my cool and started giving pple first aid......but I forgot abt myself....till I made sure all my kids are safe and sound and they were resting well....
my whole body was hit by posion ivy thorns and my poor soles had stopped bleeding due to the soild and dirt....but my inner thighs and buttocks were bleeding due to bites....enduring the pain.... i rushed to bathe and sleep for the night....by the way.....we hiked for the past 7 hours or not... OMG.....
lucky for us....the next immediate day we headed back to our hotel and took a well deserving rest.... for the rest of the travel... it was juz purely having fun and laughters in order to forget abt this horrifying life threatening memory...... but all of us agreed that we missed the trip and wished that the trip could actually last longer ^^
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
weird dream
last nite..... had a weird dream.......
the sudden downpour caused massive flooding around me...... i saw pple running around..... i was in the midst of doing work........ then i called out to the pple around me to run towards the shelter...... and the erosion was so bad that most of the earth were eroded away by the rain..... there was a whirpool..... but lucky we were not affected though it drew near to us....
our belongings were slowly swiped away by the water..... i shouted out to pple to grab our stuffs..... i was sucked into the eroded earthern.... threw the stuffs away and quickly put myself out and ran to a safe envt..... i called out to others to keep digging to another safe place... pple were crying..... shaken..... dazed....... my voices could not reached them.......
i found myself witnessing the flood came rushing into the building........and lost to it................
so what does this dream mean??
the sudden downpour caused massive flooding around me...... i saw pple running around..... i was in the midst of doing work........ then i called out to the pple around me to run towards the shelter...... and the erosion was so bad that most of the earth were eroded away by the rain..... there was a whirpool..... but lucky we were not affected though it drew near to us....
our belongings were slowly swiped away by the water..... i shouted out to pple to grab our stuffs..... i was sucked into the eroded earthern.... threw the stuffs away and quickly put myself out and ran to a safe envt..... i called out to others to keep digging to another safe place... pple were crying..... shaken..... dazed....... my voices could not reached them.......
i found myself witnessing the flood came rushing into the building........and lost to it................
so what does this dream mean??
Saturday, November 21, 2009
no more.......
things are piling up yet i still trying to pull off by meeting the deadlines....
and i'm stressed out....totally stressed out and drained......
yet i would be facing more challenges and work ahead and meeting tons of deadlines........
if only i could choose....... i would choose.............
but it would be irresponsible of my own actions............
the more i tried to safe guard my loved ones feelings........ i hurt them and that the last thing in my mind........ i faced cases like this..........and turned out that things gone haywired ......... but at least i learnt something from there.........
it is so easy to tell others.....hey juz talk it out to others.........and u feel better..........
but it is so difficult for pple like me.......... i'm not expressive and i tend to keep on talking abt it and this make pple feel so sick abt it.............. and my job?? why pple tends to put labels onto me......... and it is making me feeling breathless..... feeling lost..... feeling frustrated........feeling so bottled........... what can i do........
i have no means of ways to tell pple........ when i try to tell others how i feel........ things would be cut off....... maybe this is it...... i shld have learn to listen even more than talking....
so no more talking....... no more talking .........
and i'm stressed out....totally stressed out and drained......
yet i would be facing more challenges and work ahead and meeting tons of deadlines........
if only i could choose....... i would choose.............
but it would be irresponsible of my own actions............
the more i tried to safe guard my loved ones feelings........ i hurt them and that the last thing in my mind........ i faced cases like this..........and turned out that things gone haywired ......... but at least i learnt something from there.........
it is so easy to tell others.....hey juz talk it out to others.........and u feel better..........
but it is so difficult for pple like me.......... i'm not expressive and i tend to keep on talking abt it and this make pple feel so sick abt it.............. and my job?? why pple tends to put labels onto me......... and it is making me feeling breathless..... feeling lost..... feeling frustrated........feeling so bottled........... what can i do........
i have no means of ways to tell pple........ when i try to tell others how i feel........ things would be cut off....... maybe this is it...... i shld have learn to listen even more than talking....
so no more talking....... no more talking .........
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Linking depression with SAW movies
done with watching SAW series.... finally... praying hard that there's no more series if not there's no link to this serial killing anymore
well......it is fate that brought me to this series......it goes like this.....
this particular person is way too smart for anyone...and able to think way further than anyone else.... which is highly possible..... anyway he went on a killing spree after he found out that he got cancer and he wanted others to sort of making redemption/ repent on the things they have done in the past.... so he choose pple that he came across and those he deemed as bad person...by giving them a choice.... choose to live by hurting self/ others or choose to die...
this movie brought so many negative energy around...... to others it might be juz a movie which depicts killing...depicts psycho killer...... yet to me it is not......
it is more than juz that..... well can say i think too much or relate too much but this is what i see from the movies.....
it is saddening to watch this series..... though killing initially is bloody, distasteful...... so ugly.... look beyond the killing..... look beyond the blood....look beyond everything.... don't let such distasteful sight destroy the main concept of this story
pple are tied to chains....on the edge on dying.... they are screaming for help... this is similar to cases of depressions.... those pple who suffered from depressions are similar to this series.....
pple who suffered from depression.... some of them can identify some don't..... and all of them are tied down to chains... and these chains are locking them tight down.....
depression is like razor blades cutting their flesh..... painful yet not deadly.... unless left to bleed to its death... there are many pple who commit suicide due to depression..... in the movie... the pple are screaming for help yet in vain.... trying to find a way to survive thru the painful ordeal.... this is the true facts of life..... pple are screaming for help..... yet how many pple would be able to know.....
juz like in the movie.... all of the victims are locked in rooms which no one knows... this is the same.... pple suffering from depression....... they are locked in their own world with no clear marked exits.....no one can hear their screams..... it is not that they are not screaming yet their screams have been sealed off..... their ability to scream for help has been sealed for a moment... if they are strong enough..... and fast enough.... they would be able to fight back..... some pple are more fortunate...... coz they have been found by others and been saved by others.... then after which they found a new leash of life.......
but a twisted fact in this movie....which is also kinda true.... some pple may deemed to be freed and saved themselves and worked for the killer..... then in the end.... they would be killed..... this is the harsh reality for some pple..... there are cases whereby pple are on the road to recovery yet in the end.... they are been hit down by harsh reality once again and it dampened them further into the pithole.....and on the surface they deemed to be enjoying.... deemed to be living well.... but their emotional wellness are not......they are suffering yet no one knows.... and some of them have been marked by others stating that they shld have recovered or they shld not be suffering from it blah blah..... come to think again..... all of us are humans and we are bound by emotional ties....and we cannot escape from it.... and severity of the damage depends besides on the person who is suffering and the pple ard them...... whether there're support for them....
if not .... this would be forever silent screaming.........
well......it is fate that brought me to this series......it goes like this.....
this particular person is way too smart for anyone...and able to think way further than anyone else.... which is highly possible..... anyway he went on a killing spree after he found out that he got cancer and he wanted others to sort of making redemption/ repent on the things they have done in the past.... so he choose pple that he came across and those he deemed as bad person...by giving them a choice.... choose to live by hurting self/ others or choose to die...
this movie brought so many negative energy around...... to others it might be juz a movie which depicts killing...depicts psycho killer...... yet to me it is not......
it is more than juz that..... well can say i think too much or relate too much but this is what i see from the movies.....
it is saddening to watch this series..... though killing initially is bloody, distasteful...... so ugly.... look beyond the killing..... look beyond the blood....look beyond everything.... don't let such distasteful sight destroy the main concept of this story
pple are tied to chains....on the edge on dying.... they are screaming for help... this is similar to cases of depressions.... those pple who suffered from depressions are similar to this series.....
pple who suffered from depression.... some of them can identify some don't..... and all of them are tied down to chains... and these chains are locking them tight down.....
depression is like razor blades cutting their flesh..... painful yet not deadly.... unless left to bleed to its death... there are many pple who commit suicide due to depression..... in the movie... the pple are screaming for help yet in vain.... trying to find a way to survive thru the painful ordeal.... this is the true facts of life..... pple are screaming for help..... yet how many pple would be able to know.....
juz like in the movie.... all of the victims are locked in rooms which no one knows... this is the same.... pple suffering from depression....... they are locked in their own world with no clear marked exits.....no one can hear their screams..... it is not that they are not screaming yet their screams have been sealed off..... their ability to scream for help has been sealed for a moment... if they are strong enough..... and fast enough.... they would be able to fight back..... some pple are more fortunate...... coz they have been found by others and been saved by others.... then after which they found a new leash of life.......
but a twisted fact in this movie....which is also kinda true.... some pple may deemed to be freed and saved themselves and worked for the killer..... then in the end.... they would be killed..... this is the harsh reality for some pple..... there are cases whereby pple are on the road to recovery yet in the end.... they are been hit down by harsh reality once again and it dampened them further into the pithole.....and on the surface they deemed to be enjoying.... deemed to be living well.... but their emotional wellness are not......they are suffering yet no one knows.... and some of them have been marked by others stating that they shld have recovered or they shld not be suffering from it blah blah..... come to think again..... all of us are humans and we are bound by emotional ties....and we cannot escape from it.... and severity of the damage depends besides on the person who is suffering and the pple ard them...... whether there're support for them....
if not .... this would be forever silent screaming.........
Friday, November 6, 2009
sigh....
ever wonder have the things that i am working on for so long have been affecting my whole life?? i never given a thought to it.... till lately....
and re-considering the things i am going to do in the near future... would it further affect my life?? i seriously have no confidence in it.. coz it is difficult to say.... i am worried yet not willing to give up to do the things i loved so much... would i be able to find the inner peace to get it done??
judging from the things i saw.... i heard.... i guess i have to move on and fast.... time to let it go
letting my anxiety get it to me.... so be it... at least i have another direction i can move on.....
allow me to pray hard that i can find my own place, my directions, my purpose in life fast
and re-considering the things i am going to do in the near future... would it further affect my life?? i seriously have no confidence in it.. coz it is difficult to say.... i am worried yet not willing to give up to do the things i loved so much... would i be able to find the inner peace to get it done??
judging from the things i saw.... i heard.... i guess i have to move on and fast.... time to let it go
letting my anxiety get it to me.... so be it... at least i have another direction i can move on.....
allow me to pray hard that i can find my own place, my directions, my purpose in life fast
Friday, September 25, 2009
District 9
hmmm it has been a long time since I've written anything on my blog....
well many things have changed and shifted ^^ for the better or worst... this is something that no one knows..... till the day comes... so juz get on with living and be happy.....
hmmm welll went to watch DISTRICT 9 .... juz before the show was about to be removed from screening...
seriously.... I don't really wish to watch this show at the initial stage.... then went online to see the reviews.... and of coz my guy wanna to watch the show... so as his girl.... I went ahead to watch that show....
well... to my surprise.... though I did not know who are those artistes...the show was worth watching... alot of discussion points found in this show.... aliens found in mother earth...... and they had been living in this planet named EARTH for 2 decades....
anyway I would not comment on the story... yet on what I have gotta from the show.. racial discrimination.... hahaha.. ya of coz this is the main component of the movie!!.....
coz aliens are considered as other races.....and thru the flim... the producers wanna us to understand that racial discrimination.... and other sorts of discrimination....are creating massive problems..... well these are the harsh facts of life.... yet how many pple would agree upon and act on it... with so many world crisis at hand.... would pple be able to understand the need to leave in peaceful envt?
tough.... i guess... coz most of the pple are blinded by the immediate/ present situation.... and would not be able to take a step back to reflect what has happened along the way... not many pple are able to that... and it is very saddening....
well many things have changed and shifted ^^ for the better or worst... this is something that no one knows..... till the day comes... so juz get on with living and be happy.....
hmmm welll went to watch DISTRICT 9 .... juz before the show was about to be removed from screening...
seriously.... I don't really wish to watch this show at the initial stage.... then went online to see the reviews.... and of coz my guy wanna to watch the show... so as his girl.... I went ahead to watch that show....
well... to my surprise.... though I did not know who are those artistes...the show was worth watching... alot of discussion points found in this show.... aliens found in mother earth...... and they had been living in this planet named EARTH for 2 decades....
anyway I would not comment on the story... yet on what I have gotta from the show.. racial discrimination.... hahaha.. ya of coz this is the main component of the movie!!.....
coz aliens are considered as other races.....and thru the flim... the producers wanna us to understand that racial discrimination.... and other sorts of discrimination....are creating massive problems..... well these are the harsh facts of life.... yet how many pple would agree upon and act on it... with so many world crisis at hand.... would pple be able to understand the need to leave in peaceful envt?
tough.... i guess... coz most of the pple are blinded by the immediate/ present situation.... and would not be able to take a step back to reflect what has happened along the way... not many pple are able to that... and it is very saddening....
Sunday, July 12, 2009
The House on the Left
Hmm ... yesterday managed to catch a show title "the house on the Left"
hmm okie this time round... I really admitted that I am growing old.... coz last time when I watch such bloody movies....horror movies..... ar.... I was not even blinked or scared.... omg!! yesterday that show was a killer to my tummy.....
hmm or shld i put in this way.... when you read the title.... probably you have guess what kind of show you would be watching.....and in the end you would be fully prepared for it....... but not yesterday that movie....
this movie has yet show in Singapore..... well.... not sure which cat. this movie would be in.... apparently in Malaysia.... it is rated as 18PL ...... well I shld not write abt the movie..... coz this is not a movie review ^^
well I would say after watching this movie..... anyway this movie is a re-make movie which first shown in 1972....... this movie indicated a key point to the audience..... hahaha not too sure whether this is director's main key point >.<
anyway after watching this show.... it brought sense to me........ normal human beings are capable of doing alot of things including a weak young lady.... powerless in every situation....... yet for survival .......even the little lady is able to fight her way thru despite all the pain, shame...... all she wanna is to survived and be with her loved ones...
yes indeed ...... to be with our loved ones is crucial..... and almost critical to me...... it did set me thinking...... if I am the one who faced such harsh situation...... would I be able to fight like the young lady and fought my way thru juz to stay alive for my loved ones....... never thought it ..... lol....but after watching this show...... it does indicate 1 thing to me..... I need to spend more time with my loved ones and creating memories with them..... as memories would be the key to memorial of one.......
hmm okie this time round... I really admitted that I am growing old.... coz last time when I watch such bloody movies....horror movies..... ar.... I was not even blinked or scared.... omg!! yesterday that show was a killer to my tummy.....
hmm or shld i put in this way.... when you read the title.... probably you have guess what kind of show you would be watching.....and in the end you would be fully prepared for it....... but not yesterday that movie....
this movie has yet show in Singapore..... well.... not sure which cat. this movie would be in.... apparently in Malaysia.... it is rated as 18PL ...... well I shld not write abt the movie..... coz this is not a movie review ^^
well I would say after watching this movie..... anyway this movie is a re-make movie which first shown in 1972....... this movie indicated a key point to the audience..... hahaha not too sure whether this is director's main key point >.<
anyway after watching this show.... it brought sense to me........ normal human beings are capable of doing alot of things including a weak young lady.... powerless in every situation....... yet for survival .......even the little lady is able to fight her way thru despite all the pain, shame...... all she wanna is to survived and be with her loved ones...
yes indeed ...... to be with our loved ones is crucial..... and almost critical to me...... it did set me thinking...... if I am the one who faced such harsh situation...... would I be able to fight like the young lady and fought my way thru juz to stay alive for my loved ones....... never thought it ..... lol....but after watching this show...... it does indicate 1 thing to me..... I need to spend more time with my loved ones and creating memories with them..... as memories would be the key to memorial of one.......
Monday, July 6, 2009
Prone to Injuries...
sigh.... not the first time... but I juz simply too clumsy haha....
well this time round even better.... used to injured my left ankle when i was around 12.... it was my first time to suffer in pain yet I treated it as nothing... ar yet endured the pain.... I remembered what my parents said, what my teachers said before... if you can endure thru the pain... you could endure thru your life....
er well.... it is true to certain extend... but I think such pain...shld not be endure thru.... haha coz it is an injury.... it would be best to see consult a doctor asap... and not leaving your poor ankle in pain... well like I did... so.... sigh... by the time I went to consult a doctor... my doctor said to me..... I had damage my ankle so badly that it could not recover well and would not recover fully.....so my left ankle is more prone to spraining.... haha what a crap you may think.... well of coz if you walk properly then it shld be alright... but.... hehe I have tendency to walk without looking..... faint.... haha my weakness but I would try to overcome it de....
anyway last friday I sprained my right ankle during BBQ....lucky thing my friend was there to send me home.... sigh if not think I cannot reach home early and need to drag my poor ankle back home....
so went to see doctor on sat morning... haha my doctor told me... your left ankle also injured!!! faint... that's means both of my ankles need to be wrapped!! then how!! my sis's bday on that day.... and we are celebrating for her.... haha juz go ahead haha what a funny thing...to walk super slowly like old grannies in their 100's hahaha.... and lucky even better... haha... I went to watch TRANSFORMERS!!!
haha but not too bad lah.... after which I went back home in 1 whole piece.... ^^ but right now suffered from sore pain from ankles... for walking too much
haha the best is to rest if you are need it and don't push it too hard and suffer in the future...
well this time round even better.... used to injured my left ankle when i was around 12.... it was my first time to suffer in pain yet I treated it as nothing... ar yet endured the pain.... I remembered what my parents said, what my teachers said before... if you can endure thru the pain... you could endure thru your life....
er well.... it is true to certain extend... but I think such pain...shld not be endure thru.... haha coz it is an injury.... it would be best to see consult a doctor asap... and not leaving your poor ankle in pain... well like I did... so.... sigh... by the time I went to consult a doctor... my doctor said to me..... I had damage my ankle so badly that it could not recover well and would not recover fully.....so my left ankle is more prone to spraining.... haha what a crap you may think.... well of coz if you walk properly then it shld be alright... but.... hehe I have tendency to walk without looking..... faint.... haha my weakness but I would try to overcome it de....
anyway last friday I sprained my right ankle during BBQ....lucky thing my friend was there to send me home.... sigh if not think I cannot reach home early and need to drag my poor ankle back home....
so went to see doctor on sat morning... haha my doctor told me... your left ankle also injured!!! faint... that's means both of my ankles need to be wrapped!! then how!! my sis's bday on that day.... and we are celebrating for her.... haha juz go ahead haha what a funny thing...to walk super slowly like old grannies in their 100's hahaha.... and lucky even better... haha... I went to watch TRANSFORMERS!!!
haha but not too bad lah.... after which I went back home in 1 whole piece.... ^^ but right now suffered from sore pain from ankles... for walking too much
haha the best is to rest if you are need it and don't push it too hard and suffer in the future...
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Unpredictable....
alot of things in life are unpredictable.... it happens when it is least expected.... and at times the events are so hurting yet willingly to go thru the events.... coz you know that the events are part and parcel of life......
at times... pple would think that it would be crazy to go thru the pain... and would even question is it worth the pain or is it worth the tears? I used to think in this manner... I could not understand why some pple are willing to go thru the struggle... yet ... lately... I began to see the light... and slowly begin to understand what others are going through....
Dreams.... goals.... whatever I used to desire... I have dropped it along my years of working... I've never desired to obtain those again.... yet I faced with a certain event.... which push me to re-think... shld I have the willpower to move forward again and re-find my true self? Would I be able to get my desired happiness?
I would say... thru out my years of living....I'm always been blessed by God and been loved by so many pple.... even now I'm truly blessed.... and I would say I have no regrets to live till this age...but I'm a greedy person whom tend to desire more out of the normal...this is something I need to learn... learning to let go....learning to desire less....learning to take things more lightly....maybe then I would live a much better life than now.... maybe learning to let go means learning to love...... at times holding too tightly would means causing pain to self and others...
I do not have much time now... I do not have much time to learn these.... I need to accept all these and learn it now before it gets too late.....And wish that after all these I would be a stronger person to handle events that might shake my world...rock my work or crush my world.... I'm working on it now...though I have to swallow down all my tears... I have to make it thru.... Crying alone is my only solution and console to myself...yet now I could not cry... and I cannot cry...coz crying is only means escaping from the pain temporary.... I would like to stop crying...and promise myself I would try my best not to cry in public again...never cry in front of others....crying is my only comfort....and getting out of my comfort zone is tough yet I still need to do it.....
at times... pple would think that it would be crazy to go thru the pain... and would even question is it worth the pain or is it worth the tears? I used to think in this manner... I could not understand why some pple are willing to go thru the struggle... yet ... lately... I began to see the light... and slowly begin to understand what others are going through....
Dreams.... goals.... whatever I used to desire... I have dropped it along my years of working... I've never desired to obtain those again.... yet I faced with a certain event.... which push me to re-think... shld I have the willpower to move forward again and re-find my true self? Would I be able to get my desired happiness?
I would say... thru out my years of living....I'm always been blessed by God and been loved by so many pple.... even now I'm truly blessed.... and I would say I have no regrets to live till this age...but I'm a greedy person whom tend to desire more out of the normal...this is something I need to learn... learning to let go....learning to desire less....learning to take things more lightly....maybe then I would live a much better life than now.... maybe learning to let go means learning to love...... at times holding too tightly would means causing pain to self and others...
I do not have much time now... I do not have much time to learn these.... I need to accept all these and learn it now before it gets too late.....And wish that after all these I would be a stronger person to handle events that might shake my world...rock my work or crush my world.... I'm working on it now...though I have to swallow down all my tears... I have to make it thru.... Crying alone is my only solution and console to myself...yet now I could not cry... and I cannot cry...coz crying is only means escaping from the pain temporary.... I would like to stop crying...and promise myself I would try my best not to cry in public again...never cry in front of others....crying is my only comfort....and getting out of my comfort zone is tough yet I still need to do it.....
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
hOliDays >.<
finally ^^ Holidays are here.... long waited break....
hmmm come to think of it.... my job does give me a break when i needed.... so though I met with challenges... I think it is worth the effort...coz I get to see my kids grow
anyway... this year... sigh I don't have much time to rest anyway.... coz I was given another job ^^ haha it is okie... well juz take it with a pinch of salt... and treat this as a different way to spend my holidays.... haha it is good for me ^^ coz at times... given too much a break.... I would be bored to death... haha not sure what can I do next before the school term starts.... and similar to the youngsters... would think why why the school term start without a blink
haha I guess this is human nature ^^ anyway would be using this holiday of mine to create more great memories and enjoyable moments.....
hmmm come to think of it.... my job does give me a break when i needed.... so though I met with challenges... I think it is worth the effort...coz I get to see my kids grow
anyway... this year... sigh I don't have much time to rest anyway.... coz I was given another job ^^ haha it is okie... well juz take it with a pinch of salt... and treat this as a different way to spend my holidays.... haha it is good for me ^^ coz at times... given too much a break.... I would be bored to death... haha not sure what can I do next before the school term starts.... and similar to the youngsters... would think why why the school term start without a blink
haha I guess this is human nature ^^ anyway would be using this holiday of mine to create more great memories and enjoyable moments.....
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Thank You~
Hmmm ar...today is my Bday ^^
and seriously~ never I would thought that I would be celebrating my Bday in such special and sweet moments ~
well on thursday ~ a few of my scouts (including my cousin) celebrated my Bday in school ^^ and bought me gifts^^ haha seriously I did not expect that to happen~ and when they mentioned that they need to see me urgently I thought there's something important!! and who knows it turned out to be a pleasant surprise ^^ they bought cake and gifts for me~ thanks girls ^^ and thanks to 1T1 girls too ^^ thanks for the gift ^^
haha next is yesterday 2nd May ~ lol ... my graduated student (whom also my scout ~ Christine) msged me whether I'm free to meet her for dinner ^^ it has been so long I went out with her...and she told she would get another girl (JiaYing) along for dinner... of coz I would meet both of them ^^ I really missed them ^^ so I went ahead and met them ^^.... ar we travelled to Central and walked to look for clothes ^^.... haha who knows!! out of the sudden... 1 familiar voice dropped the bomb!! lol it is my SON aka WeeTiong ^^ haha then went out to see... haha I saw my another SON aka YuXuan and my Brother aka Marcus ^^ haha it was a wonderful surprise ^^ really very happy to see them ^^ haha we went for dinner then head down for K box....^^ really very happy to see all them ^^
then another great surprise came by to me ..... ~ WeeKeong and Garbiel my ventures ^^... lol out of the sudden~ Garbiel Msg me ...and I thought Sherlyn needed the information fast!! so I rushed back home to find the information for her.... who knows!! when Garbiel msg me to open my house door~ I found a gift lying outside the door!! wah ^^ super cutie!! it is pluto!! haha then 2 of them came out to wish me happy Bday ^^ it was great to see them too.... esp they have juz started lesson in poly....
I'm greatly touched by their gestures.... never thought that I would enjoyed my Bday in this manner.... seriously I was really very happy^^
thanks pple ^^ I would work hard this year and may my wish come true ^^
and seriously~ never I would thought that I would be celebrating my Bday in such special and sweet moments ~
well on thursday ~ a few of my scouts (including my cousin) celebrated my Bday in school ^^ and bought me gifts^^ haha seriously I did not expect that to happen~ and when they mentioned that they need to see me urgently I thought there's something important!! and who knows it turned out to be a pleasant surprise ^^ they bought cake and gifts for me~ thanks girls ^^ and thanks to 1T1 girls too ^^ thanks for the gift ^^
haha next is yesterday 2nd May ~ lol ... my graduated student (whom also my scout ~ Christine) msged me whether I'm free to meet her for dinner ^^ it has been so long I went out with her...and she told she would get another girl (JiaYing) along for dinner... of coz I would meet both of them ^^ I really missed them ^^ so I went ahead and met them ^^.... ar we travelled to Central and walked to look for clothes ^^.... haha who knows!! out of the sudden... 1 familiar voice dropped the bomb!! lol it is my SON aka WeeTiong ^^ haha then went out to see... haha I saw my another SON aka YuXuan and my Brother aka Marcus ^^ haha it was a wonderful surprise ^^ really very happy to see them ^^ haha we went for dinner then head down for K box....^^ really very happy to see all them ^^
then another great surprise came by to me ..... ~ WeeKeong and Garbiel my ventures ^^... lol out of the sudden~ Garbiel Msg me ...and I thought Sherlyn needed the information fast!! so I rushed back home to find the information for her.... who knows!! when Garbiel msg me to open my house door~ I found a gift lying outside the door!! wah ^^ super cutie!! it is pluto!! haha then 2 of them came out to wish me happy Bday ^^ it was great to see them too.... esp they have juz started lesson in poly....
I'm greatly touched by their gestures.... never thought that I would enjoyed my Bday in this manner.... seriously I was really very happy^^
thanks pple ^^ I would work hard this year and may my wish come true ^^
Monday, April 20, 2009
^^ happiness... would it continue to stay or....
hmm.... today is Sports Day ^^
and I'm glad to see abt 12~13 students from my class... oh well.... out of 33.. I have 12~13... others may think that I'm mad to think that I'm glad...
but truly I'm really happy that things turn out fine and well....well I'm glad to see most of my students.... right now really truly worried abt their upcoming exams...
well vinoth... He told me that he does not really appreciate for the fact that I broke down and cried for such a stupid reason....but he's appreicated my concern towards him ^^ well it made my day ^^ truly felt very happy abt that...
and I muz admitted that I'm dead worried abt all my students....and not for my sake.... yet for theirs.... though some may think that I'm lying... it is okie for them to think in this way...
I'm happy if they managed to pass their exams...and found their pathway to their future ^^
and that would the kind of happiness I'm seeking for ...
another kind of happiness filled me up ^^......
haha well it was last sat ^^... I went out with my grp of friends.... ar.... finally I get to see them especially Chaveil ^^ hahaha... what crazy time we had.... haha though it was up till evening.... I managed to speak to most of them ^^ haha really really enjoyed that ^^ and hope to see them soon.....er provided I can finished marking my upcoming exam papers ^^
I'm wishing for my happiness to continue to stay with me.....
and I'm glad to see abt 12~13 students from my class... oh well.... out of 33.. I have 12~13... others may think that I'm mad to think that I'm glad...
but truly I'm really happy that things turn out fine and well....well I'm glad to see most of my students.... right now really truly worried abt their upcoming exams...
well vinoth... He told me that he does not really appreciate for the fact that I broke down and cried for such a stupid reason....but he's appreicated my concern towards him ^^ well it made my day ^^ truly felt very happy abt that...
and I muz admitted that I'm dead worried abt all my students....and not for my sake.... yet for theirs.... though some may think that I'm lying... it is okie for them to think in this way...
I'm happy if they managed to pass their exams...and found their pathway to their future ^^
and that would the kind of happiness I'm seeking for ...
another kind of happiness filled me up ^^......
haha well it was last sat ^^... I went out with my grp of friends.... ar.... finally I get to see them especially Chaveil ^^ hahaha... what crazy time we had.... haha though it was up till evening.... I managed to speak to most of them ^^ haha really really enjoyed that ^^ and hope to see them soon.....er provided I can finished marking my upcoming exam papers ^^
I'm wishing for my happiness to continue to stay with me.....
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Movie- Departures
Hmm last sunday, my friends and I decided to catch a film... name "Departures" ... initially I thought it was a film regarding air flights.... who knows... it was about pple working like the deathkeeper... they are a group of pple who help to clean the dead bodies and dressed them as beautiful as possible, before they are burned to ashes....
ah...interesting film I would say.... it gave pple many different views to think abt their lives... their values...
hahaha... another show which made me cried so much... that in the end I gave up using tissues... coz I think it would be a waste of tissues ^^ so I juz continued to cry and cry... crying...yes it did release part of my stress... and bring me back to life... it brings me back to this mother earth once again.... it makes me feel so good.....
I cried due to sadness.... especially when the living are grateful to them for helping their dead partners to look pretty before they truly end their lives.... and they are able to keep their beautiful looks in eternal memory.... ya indeed... it brought me back to my last look at my grandmother.... I regretted that I did not see her for the last time.... and I cried so hard coz in that film, others had the chance to see their dead partner for the last time...and it makes me realize that I never have that chance again... never ever see my grandmother again.... and this makes me feel so so sad... fill with sorrow... regrets....but what can I do now??
then when the last part of the film.... whereby the main lead found his dad....and dead... he was willing to clean his father...though he hated his father for leaving him and his mother for another women for the past 30 years... he kept cleaning... clean his face....and slowly it brought back the fond memories...and his memory of his father.... and that is when I broke down.... I truly broke down.... the kind of love that the son held for his father was strong and hid deep down in his heart... the intense love that he had... made me realize that I was not that strong.... nope I was not a strong person who can accept this.... but yet with this realization I would try to be stronger and worked towards creating a better living place for my family...and love them more than ever... this film brings back the human part of me....a part which was lost during the midst of my studies...yet it does bring back the anxiety part of me too.... now i am very worried abt tons of things....sigh...
but i would strongly recommend this film... it was worth watching ^^
ah...interesting film I would say.... it gave pple many different views to think abt their lives... their values...
hahaha... another show which made me cried so much... that in the end I gave up using tissues... coz I think it would be a waste of tissues ^^ so I juz continued to cry and cry... crying...yes it did release part of my stress... and bring me back to life... it brings me back to this mother earth once again.... it makes me feel so good.....
I cried due to sadness.... especially when the living are grateful to them for helping their dead partners to look pretty before they truly end their lives.... and they are able to keep their beautiful looks in eternal memory.... ya indeed... it brought me back to my last look at my grandmother.... I regretted that I did not see her for the last time.... and I cried so hard coz in that film, others had the chance to see their dead partner for the last time...and it makes me realize that I never have that chance again... never ever see my grandmother again.... and this makes me feel so so sad... fill with sorrow... regrets....but what can I do now??
then when the last part of the film.... whereby the main lead found his dad....and dead... he was willing to clean his father...though he hated his father for leaving him and his mother for another women for the past 30 years... he kept cleaning... clean his face....and slowly it brought back the fond memories...and his memory of his father.... and that is when I broke down.... I truly broke down.... the kind of love that the son held for his father was strong and hid deep down in his heart... the intense love that he had... made me realize that I was not that strong.... nope I was not a strong person who can accept this.... but yet with this realization I would try to be stronger and worked towards creating a better living place for my family...and love them more than ever... this film brings back the human part of me....a part which was lost during the midst of my studies...yet it does bring back the anxiety part of me too.... now i am very worried abt tons of things....sigh...
but i would strongly recommend this film... it was worth watching ^^
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
it is blessings afterall
I was worried... I've that irky feeling since morning 4am today... I could not sleep again... I woke up and stare at the ceiling....
My father had weird feelings too... but none of us could figure out what is that....and wished I could know what is that at that point of time.... and something could be save .......
anyway.... around 7plus... my dad came back after sending my younger brother to army.... strange... he should be on his way to work.... how come??
after which.... he told my mom and me..... he met with car accident.... his car rear was badly damage....though still can drive.... I was shocked.... shaken.... yet I could not express that to my father.... all we can do was to ask my dad.... did he suffer from any bumps or any scratches.... anyway sent him to see doc...... lucky thing... it is over.... only physical damages to the car...
out of the sudden.... death once again came upon to my life.... though it is not the real thing.... and I could not think of the real thing happening to my family members.... sigh... thought that I had been suffering from diarrhoea for 4 days was bad enough... never I knew I would receive such news.... I was mentally and physically torn...
living with no regrets is my motto....yet for that instant I do have regrets.... regrets that I yet have the chance to travel with my parents since I worked as a teacher..... my working time schedule is tight.... and so difficult to arrange the correct timing for all..... but no more.... I would arrange trips to other countries with my parents.... bringing them to see the world.... all I wanna is my family members are happy .... I would be happy.... so though the horrible news came to me... it is a blessings afterall.... as I do get another chance to arrange events to make my family members happy especially my parents....
Parents are the greatest in the world... family members should be loved, so do try to spend quality time with your family members and do not impose too many things on them.... living together should be filled with funs and laughters.... and not asking them to achieve something that they could not achieve.... my parents never once pressurize me... all they said is "just do your best" and due to that... I have lived my life to the fullest till now... and would continue to live my life to the fullest together with my family members =)
My father had weird feelings too... but none of us could figure out what is that....and wished I could know what is that at that point of time.... and something could be save .......
anyway.... around 7plus... my dad came back after sending my younger brother to army.... strange... he should be on his way to work.... how come??
after which.... he told my mom and me..... he met with car accident.... his car rear was badly damage....though still can drive.... I was shocked.... shaken.... yet I could not express that to my father.... all we can do was to ask my dad.... did he suffer from any bumps or any scratches.... anyway sent him to see doc...... lucky thing... it is over.... only physical damages to the car...
out of the sudden.... death once again came upon to my life.... though it is not the real thing.... and I could not think of the real thing happening to my family members.... sigh... thought that I had been suffering from diarrhoea for 4 days was bad enough... never I knew I would receive such news.... I was mentally and physically torn...
living with no regrets is my motto....yet for that instant I do have regrets.... regrets that I yet have the chance to travel with my parents since I worked as a teacher..... my working time schedule is tight.... and so difficult to arrange the correct timing for all..... but no more.... I would arrange trips to other countries with my parents.... bringing them to see the world.... all I wanna is my family members are happy .... I would be happy.... so though the horrible news came to me... it is a blessings afterall.... as I do get another chance to arrange events to make my family members happy especially my parents....
Parents are the greatest in the world... family members should be loved, so do try to spend quality time with your family members and do not impose too many things on them.... living together should be filled with funs and laughters.... and not asking them to achieve something that they could not achieve.... my parents never once pressurize me... all they said is "just do your best" and due to that... I have lived my life to the fullest till now... and would continue to live my life to the fullest together with my family members =)
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Enough is Enough
I'm depressed... really depressed....
depression has set in.... and could not run away from the harsh reality....have been depressed since the 2nd week of school term.... since the day I faced my class.... when I heard so many things about them.... and worried that I could not support them throughout the whole entire sec 3 journey.... thus... depression set in.... depressed, worries..... could not run away.....
though depressed.... I do have kids who are there to support me through their lovely smiles, cranky jokes etc.... they are very very lovely kids.... pple like shu zhuang, zhi xiang, elwyn, fu qi, khairul, cindy, yung fung, tiong en and many more....
they are the ones who bring light and lighten my burden..... especially zhi xiang and elwyn.... initally they are the big bosses..... making noises, do not come to school regularly... yet now.... they are the ones who gain back the trust of others... they have been praised by others!! and this is the best gift in my life.... to know kids who are willing to give a try and build miracles... and I do wish that they could continue this hard work... and I would try my best to see all my kids thru sec 4.... and graduate together....
but there are pple in my class.... whom I could not reach out.... really cannot reach to them... I'm defeated badly in the battle... or have I not listen to their voices properly? have I not ask the correct questions to allow them to reach back to me?? I really don't know.... take an example... damien... a smart chap...yet he is one of my worries.... as I could not understand him at all.... I wanna to understand him yet I failed to do so.... I have failed badly as his FT, after 2 years and upcoming third year... I still don't understand him at all..... and there are too many pple in my class whom I do not have a personal touch with... thus I could not understand their thoughts and feelings...
Or am I the one enclosing my feelings... closing my doors?? or are they the ones who are building the great wall of China?? Who are the one responsible for the walls? for the barriers??
I'm depressed.... super depressed.... so bad till I wanna to hibernate..... hide to a hidden dungeon and rot my life there..... wahhhahaha.... sound cool and great.... why am I so depressed?? simple.... depressed over the fact that I actually losing patience and passion over my class... I do not used to have such feelings... I do not like such feelings.... how can I have such thoughts and feelings.... this is very very very bad.... I have creepy nightmares... I have not slept well since the 2nd week of school term.... sleeping and waking up in cold sweat... I kept falling into the black pit-hole... I do not like the feeling of losing passion... would I be able to love my kids more than ever?? I do not wanna them to suffer juz due to my depression....
would I be able to escape the blackhole???
depression has set in.... and could not run away from the harsh reality....have been depressed since the 2nd week of school term.... since the day I faced my class.... when I heard so many things about them.... and worried that I could not support them throughout the whole entire sec 3 journey.... thus... depression set in.... depressed, worries..... could not run away.....
though depressed.... I do have kids who are there to support me through their lovely smiles, cranky jokes etc.... they are very very lovely kids.... pple like shu zhuang, zhi xiang, elwyn, fu qi, khairul, cindy, yung fung, tiong en and many more....
they are the ones who bring light and lighten my burden..... especially zhi xiang and elwyn.... initally they are the big bosses..... making noises, do not come to school regularly... yet now.... they are the ones who gain back the trust of others... they have been praised by others!! and this is the best gift in my life.... to know kids who are willing to give a try and build miracles... and I do wish that they could continue this hard work... and I would try my best to see all my kids thru sec 4.... and graduate together....
but there are pple in my class.... whom I could not reach out.... really cannot reach to them... I'm defeated badly in the battle... or have I not listen to their voices properly? have I not ask the correct questions to allow them to reach back to me?? I really don't know.... take an example... damien... a smart chap...yet he is one of my worries.... as I could not understand him at all.... I wanna to understand him yet I failed to do so.... I have failed badly as his FT, after 2 years and upcoming third year... I still don't understand him at all..... and there are too many pple in my class whom I do not have a personal touch with... thus I could not understand their thoughts and feelings...
Or am I the one enclosing my feelings... closing my doors?? or are they the ones who are building the great wall of China?? Who are the one responsible for the walls? for the barriers??
I'm depressed.... super depressed.... so bad till I wanna to hibernate..... hide to a hidden dungeon and rot my life there..... wahhhahaha.... sound cool and great.... why am I so depressed?? simple.... depressed over the fact that I actually losing patience and passion over my class... I do not used to have such feelings... I do not like such feelings.... how can I have such thoughts and feelings.... this is very very very bad.... I have creepy nightmares... I have not slept well since the 2nd week of school term.... sleeping and waking up in cold sweat... I kept falling into the black pit-hole... I do not like the feeling of losing passion... would I be able to love my kids more than ever?? I do not wanna them to suffer juz due to my depression....
would I be able to escape the blackhole???
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Fractured LIttle Finger --- went to eat to distress!!
OMG....
see how cute is the ice-cream =p hehehe I simply loved desserts!! who makes me happy all the time.... desserts are the one!! kekeke well I'm asking my friends to hang out with me for the next makan time, heading for desserts shop!! hahaha
unable to believe this would happen to me!!
Juz a simple dine out with my family members.....seeing my baby niece.... who knows....
anyway.... I was juz unlucky and there goes my little finger.... hairline fracture.... so still not as bad lah....
so in the end....I called my friends and dated them out to have a good meal with me... so I was so upset and unhappy that such events fall on me....
wahhh.... today went to KUISHIN-BO!! yippie =p and today is Ladies' Nite....so much cheaper than ever...
yummy!! all the food stuffs are so good.... esp the ice -cream.... hehehe look at me... I'm in cloud nine after eating the ice-cream =p
So even with my little pinky is injuried.... with the creamy nice orange ice-cream in my hands... ahhh... that is call happiness =p I can forget abt the pain
see how cute is the ice-cream =p hehehe I simply loved desserts!! who makes me happy all the time.... desserts are the one!! kekeke well I'm asking my friends to hang out with me for the next makan time, heading for desserts shop!! hahaha
well... this restaurant serves good food.... so even pple like me...with injuried pinky.... still be happy in the end...haha but... my little pinky!! I would need to go for 2nd check up for my little pinky.... so see what the pinky is recovering well!!
Friday, February 6, 2009
Failing Sick....
Sigh Thought that things are heading fine... lately having dizzy spells and throat pain....
think I'm falling sick... oh my gosh...
but today I'm extremely happy and proud... though I kept reminding and worried that my kids would forget to bring their thermometers especially I'm outstationed for conference... most of them brought theirs!! wow Great job =p
this is one happy news to me... =p
but it does not stop me from having dizzy spells and falling sick... thought of asking my other kids to come over for dinner...yet today I'm really very tired and sick... falling sick... keep coughing and feel like vomitting... then having flu.... oh great... to make things worse... I still have my studies and I need to complete my assignments soon.... deadline is coming!!
think I'm falling sick... oh my gosh...
but today I'm extremely happy and proud... though I kept reminding and worried that my kids would forget to bring their thermometers especially I'm outstationed for conference... most of them brought theirs!! wow Great job =p
this is one happy news to me... =p
but it does not stop me from having dizzy spells and falling sick... thought of asking my other kids to come over for dinner...yet today I'm really very tired and sick... falling sick... keep coughing and feel like vomitting... then having flu.... oh great... to make things worse... I still have my studies and I need to complete my assignments soon.... deadline is coming!!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Finally it is done!!
OMG!!
Seriously... I never wanna to build a blog from scratch... but after my current form class 3N3.. they managed to build one... haha it makes me wanna to do it on my own...
but OMG!! hmm is it me getting old or they are simply too great with blogging?? I finally have done up my new blog... phew what a tiring thing to do...especially I was not in a good health state... sigh kanna tummy upset...so was visiting the toilet and doing the blog at the same time!!
Oh well...finally it is done... so not that bad...
Seriously... I never wanna to build a blog from scratch... but after my current form class 3N3.. they managed to build one... haha it makes me wanna to do it on my own...
but OMG!! hmm is it me getting old or they are simply too great with blogging?? I finally have done up my new blog... phew what a tiring thing to do...especially I was not in a good health state... sigh kanna tummy upset...so was visiting the toilet and doing the blog at the same time!!
Oh well...finally it is done... so not that bad...
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