Finally after so so so longzzzz.... I can breathe happily without much despair..... with all the tons of stress, family problems, emotional struggle, problems with relationships..... finally it has come to an end for now.....
Finally... I could really breathe.... for survival.... I managed to find a way to look beyond my painful experiences... my sadness....my emotions.... all those which would "dragged me to the deepest level of Hell".... found a way to let go and look forward.....
Well... all these events... I shld have taken as challenges that GOD gave me.... yet during that point of despair I could not see it.... completely in Denial Mode.... Refused to get any Help or anything..... but lucky for me.... I have supportive family...friends....colleagues... and esp my hubby to be ^^_V Including my students... without them.... I don't think I could put it thru...... though for some of them did not say much..... their continual encouragement is very much appreciated....
So having the space to breathe.... I was guided by Fate....and bought a fantastic book =) it is known as "ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING" yeah!! indeed..... though I don't have all the time to finish in a go.... I actually appreciating every free moment to catch a few pages of the book =)... and every moment.... I learnt some new =)
ohh okie =) time to head out to buy gift for my mama =)
muz once again to thank many pple out there who are there for me...even I never voice out much =)
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
lately events...
re-learning to look forward in my life... is something I know yet new to me at this point of time.....
it has been long since I have learn to re-love myself..... though I have facials... those facials I went is for a purpose.... purpose to look beautiful?? >.< nope.... purpose of looking at my best during my friends' weddings..... this is call respect....
but back to the topic of re-learning to love myself...... I spoke to my good friend..... whom emphasized that I need to find a time for myself..... it is time for me to love myself..... most of my time I have devoted to work and my kids... indeed..... for a long long long time..... I did not have the chance to do things that I longed to do.... like having gatherings with my old friends..... I do not really have a chance...... to give up my duty during that time... was a tough decision.... coz to me.... work and duty have eat into my life.....and it was so bad that I could no longer recognize my own life or the things I longed to do..... in turn.... it was sad.... I lost my friends due to work ..... work stress..... and others.....
work stress.... something I did not know when did it started eating into my life..... and plus when I started my studies..... double stress...... all I know during that time.... was to work, study... nothing else...... I have lost directions.....and did not know what I can do during that time..... I could no longer tell others how I feel.... though it seems easy.... it is hard... coz simply.... adding stress to others is a no no.... this is how I view.... maybe I got bad experience in the past which taught me to keep things to myself and nothing else...... not saying that I cannot trust others..... yet.... what can I do?? adding more things to others?? hmm nope not in my dictionary..
anyway back to my first inital topic.... re-learning to love myself..... yes something I am working on in..... nowadays.... things have been starting to look better..... I finally could put all work down in my work place and head back home with stress free mind....and I would work the next day!! this is something I have achieved... well juz pray hard that I could keep up with this goal of mine ^^ and finding more other goals..... though at times I do wish to find back those things I have lost.... I know it is tough....
it has been long since I have learn to re-love myself..... though I have facials... those facials I went is for a purpose.... purpose to look beautiful?? >.< nope.... purpose of looking at my best during my friends' weddings..... this is call respect....
but back to the topic of re-learning to love myself...... I spoke to my good friend..... whom emphasized that I need to find a time for myself..... it is time for me to love myself..... most of my time I have devoted to work and my kids... indeed..... for a long long long time..... I did not have the chance to do things that I longed to do.... like having gatherings with my old friends..... I do not really have a chance...... to give up my duty during that time... was a tough decision.... coz to me.... work and duty have eat into my life.....and it was so bad that I could no longer recognize my own life or the things I longed to do..... in turn.... it was sad.... I lost my friends due to work ..... work stress..... and others.....
work stress.... something I did not know when did it started eating into my life..... and plus when I started my studies..... double stress...... all I know during that time.... was to work, study... nothing else...... I have lost directions.....and did not know what I can do during that time..... I could no longer tell others how I feel.... though it seems easy.... it is hard... coz simply.... adding stress to others is a no no.... this is how I view.... maybe I got bad experience in the past which taught me to keep things to myself and nothing else...... not saying that I cannot trust others..... yet.... what can I do?? adding more things to others?? hmm nope not in my dictionary..
anyway back to my first inital topic.... re-learning to love myself..... yes something I am working on in..... nowadays.... things have been starting to look better..... I finally could put all work down in my work place and head back home with stress free mind....and I would work the next day!! this is something I have achieved... well juz pray hard that I could keep up with this goal of mine ^^ and finding more other goals..... though at times I do wish to find back those things I have lost.... I know it is tough....
Thursday, February 11, 2010
=.="
lately events.... have stirred storms in my gloomy days.....
though looking forward towards embracing an new lease of life ..... things juz came and blurred my vision.....
why it happened in this manner?? why they could not cope with the rules and regulations?? I have my duty and job to fufill.... yet they have completely misunderstood and become more and more defiant...... what can I do now?? I really at lost......
CNY is coming.......yet I do not have the mood to celebrate it......... ask me why......... I also not sure..... juz that if I can......... I would take off from here and go travelling........ but can I do that?? the answer is a confirmed NO........ certain events.....came and affected me....... how to relate back to them??? I do not know how........ juz it be??? will the problem be gone?? I also not sure......
anyway....... "raindrops keeping falling upon my head........."
though looking forward towards embracing an new lease of life ..... things juz came and blurred my vision.....
why it happened in this manner?? why they could not cope with the rules and regulations?? I have my duty and job to fufill.... yet they have completely misunderstood and become more and more defiant...... what can I do now?? I really at lost......
CNY is coming.......yet I do not have the mood to celebrate it......... ask me why......... I also not sure..... juz that if I can......... I would take off from here and go travelling........ but can I do that?? the answer is a confirmed NO........ certain events.....came and affected me....... how to relate back to them??? I do not know how........ juz it be??? will the problem be gone?? I also not sure......
anyway....... "raindrops keeping falling upon my head........."
Thursday, January 14, 2010
tired....
so what can I do now??
nothing... there's nothing much I can do now.....and I don't know what can I do.... whom I can turn to.....
I don't think I can turn to anyone.....and I would not turn to anyone anymore.... coz the pple ard me........seems to have their own piece of problem...... I never wanna to add burden to anyone....... telling anyone abt it is definitely a NO NO for me
nothing... there's nothing much I can do now.....and I don't know what can I do.... whom I can turn to.....
I don't think I can turn to anyone.....and I would not turn to anyone anymore.... coz the pple ard me........seems to have their own piece of problem...... I never wanna to add burden to anyone....... telling anyone abt it is definitely a NO NO for me
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
human only....
how to make pple to understand me??
it is tough and difficult.....
I tried getting my students to understand my stand... yet they become more defiant...and not willing to do anything..... I can no longer stretch my hand further to help them.... seeing them getting into more troubles is not wat i wanna.....yet some of them even request to be suspended from school... is it worth it??
then next.... i am facing too many problems at one go.....and it is disheartening to know that.... at times... pple expected things from you and not giving back to you .... what a great joke.... but this is harsh reality..... i cannot change others..... coz they have their own mindset.... juz did not like to be labelled by others....
after so many things.... i came to realization......i'm only a human being... who is not a deity.... i cannot do alot of things..... i am a human with feelings..... yet at times..... my feelings are not been taken into consideration..... i am only a human..... a human which faces breaking down again and again..... what can i do......
it is tough and difficult.....
I tried getting my students to understand my stand... yet they become more defiant...and not willing to do anything..... I can no longer stretch my hand further to help them.... seeing them getting into more troubles is not wat i wanna.....yet some of them even request to be suspended from school... is it worth it??
then next.... i am facing too many problems at one go.....and it is disheartening to know that.... at times... pple expected things from you and not giving back to you .... what a great joke.... but this is harsh reality..... i cannot change others..... coz they have their own mindset.... juz did not like to be labelled by others....
after so many things.... i came to realization......i'm only a human being... who is not a deity.... i cannot do alot of things..... i am a human with feelings..... yet at times..... my feelings are not been taken into consideration..... i am only a human..... a human which faces breaking down again and again..... what can i do......
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Dec trip....unforgettable trip
hmm.... I was suppose to have a short break for myself before the whole term start again in jan 2010...yet I was sent to taiwan to work for 8 days...then I need to bring my scouts for trip for another 8 days.....though tiring and was on official duty.... it was still worth it....
well.... I am not touching on my taiwan trip....coz rather the same for most of the days.....
what is more exciting and unforgettable would my trip with my scouts.....
this is the first official trip which I organized for my scouts....most of my time.... the trip was organized by others... and my scouts juz merely joined in.....and when I took over.... I realized I was not totally up to the task.....but I did not wanna my scouts to miss the chance.....so I went ahead and make the trip to be a real exciting trip for them.... but the planning side was tedious and draining....and it was so bad that it put my relationship to strain....and lucky thing my guy was a great one.... he supported me thru the planning.....even though he suffered from emotional hurt too....and I feel very very upset with myself.....but I am real glad that my guy supported me....and real glad that I found someone who adores me and my job ^^
hmm okie okie back to the trip..... well.... we went for white water rafting, high element and caving.... the rafting was cool and fun....... pple would think that you might drown.... maybe but if you are cool and dont panic you would be able to float.... but no worries..... the pple there are expert in handling us... so when we are trying to struggle... they would come near to us and give us the helping hand and I was able to survive.... haha i never went to play the high element...coz this is something I knew I can never do it.... it was so so so tall....and I had cold feet.... so I skipped and I regretted that.... hmmm if given the chance again......erm... I would skip again....haha coz I knew I can never do it de....
oh next caving.... hee this is the first time I did caving.....and the experience was fanstatic.... all of us gotten all wet and cold..... but teamwork was there... my grp pple were able to give others an helping hand... and I am very proud of my team ^^ they are such wonderful kids
hmm next is the wonderful, painful yet scary experience.......why wonderful?? the rovers, leader and scouts over in Malaysia....they were great host and great fun....they cracked jokes with us...and treated us juz like brothers and sisters..... and seeing the waterfall was a great pleasure....yet it became a painful experience.... why painful.... with the mindset that it was only a 1 hour walk to view the waterfall......we leaders decided to wear sandals and enjoyed the wondorous view of waterfall..... up the slope towards waterfall... I realized that my sandals was giving way....and in my mind 1 hour walk.... so it would be alright for me to take off my sandals and walked....who knows.......it turned out to be painful.... I suffered from cuts... bleeding soles.....and I kept dragging my soles to walk..... I tried to wear back my sandals but it was useless.... lucky thing I got my scouts to cheer me on and I struggled thru with bare feet....and kept going....and knocking my poor head against the logs and branches.... I am dead exhusated.... yet I kept moving.... with the waterfall in my mind.... and I need to lead my scouts too...so I need to keep walking.... finally I reached the waterfall!! and what is shocking the nightfall came faster than we expected it.....the jungle was in complete darkness.....
lucky thing I got torchlight from 1 of my leaders....we struggled down the mountain.... by the time we reached the waterfall.... we had climb for the past 3 hours!!! where got 1 hour?? OMG!!! inside my mind I was screaming .... yet I cannot fall down now.... coz I still need to lead my group pple back safely to the campsite..... with my 2 teachers in the front row....all of us marched down towards safe zone...... but I still move without my sandals..... but when we started heading back...... I heard callings.... my colleague moved and slipped along the way..... this was scary... but I need to keep my cool and rushed to help him.... calling out to scouts and getting some of them to aid him..... lucky thing.... my scouts are alright and 2 of them managed to help him.... we kept moving on.... all of us were exhuasted and wanna to give up.... but we encouraged each other....and sung songs....this is how we kept our spirits high.... and finally we made it to the exit.... along the way....all of us screamed due to horrible leeches.... which sucked our blood....painful bites from them.... I got hit by many posion ivy thorns.....and leeches bite.....and to make things worse..... my poor soles were bleeding due to deep cuts....but I need to move on...if not I cannot see my scouts again and my loved ones..... so I need to get out safely and alive.....
finally.... I thought we were going to enjoy the ride back home in the vehicle....who knows...this is juz purely accident.....the vehicle was not safe at all....the driver did not pull the hand brake fully.....and when we loaded up the pple.... out of the sudden...the vehicle went backwards.....and all of us including myself..... we were heading off the stream....and if the vehicle hit the stones....the vehicle would overturn....and all of us were going to die..... and at that instant.... my mind went blank.... I could not think and I could not react at all.... all I knew I was so going to die.... but I would die with regrets.... coz I have not say goodbye to my loved ones..... but lucky.... seriously lucky....one of the wheels went struck onto the big stones....and my leader ran to put up the handbrake.....then all of us pushed the vehicle back and rush back to the campsite..... this was the most scary thing I ever encounter.....and this is a great lesson learnt....and I would never wanna to experience again....
shaken by the fear.... I scolded my girls horribly but I did apologize and explain why.... coz I need to check whether all my scouts have return safely to campsite.....lucky all of them were there.....and still shaking .... I kept my cool and started giving pple first aid......but I forgot abt myself....till I made sure all my kids are safe and sound and they were resting well....
my whole body was hit by posion ivy thorns and my poor soles had stopped bleeding due to the soild and dirt....but my inner thighs and buttocks were bleeding due to bites....enduring the pain.... i rushed to bathe and sleep for the night....by the way.....we hiked for the past 7 hours or not... OMG.....
lucky for us....the next immediate day we headed back to our hotel and took a well deserving rest.... for the rest of the travel... it was juz purely having fun and laughters in order to forget abt this horrifying life threatening memory...... but all of us agreed that we missed the trip and wished that the trip could actually last longer ^^
well.... I am not touching on my taiwan trip....coz rather the same for most of the days.....
what is more exciting and unforgettable would my trip with my scouts.....
this is the first official trip which I organized for my scouts....most of my time.... the trip was organized by others... and my scouts juz merely joined in.....and when I took over.... I realized I was not totally up to the task.....but I did not wanna my scouts to miss the chance.....so I went ahead and make the trip to be a real exciting trip for them.... but the planning side was tedious and draining....and it was so bad that it put my relationship to strain....and lucky thing my guy was a great one.... he supported me thru the planning.....even though he suffered from emotional hurt too....and I feel very very upset with myself.....but I am real glad that my guy supported me....and real glad that I found someone who adores me and my job ^^
hmm okie okie back to the trip..... well.... we went for white water rafting, high element and caving.... the rafting was cool and fun....... pple would think that you might drown.... maybe but if you are cool and dont panic you would be able to float.... but no worries..... the pple there are expert in handling us... so when we are trying to struggle... they would come near to us and give us the helping hand and I was able to survive.... haha i never went to play the high element...coz this is something I knew I can never do it.... it was so so so tall....and I had cold feet.... so I skipped and I regretted that.... hmmm if given the chance again......erm... I would skip again....haha coz I knew I can never do it de....
oh next caving.... hee this is the first time I did caving.....and the experience was fanstatic.... all of us gotten all wet and cold..... but teamwork was there... my grp pple were able to give others an helping hand... and I am very proud of my team ^^ they are such wonderful kids
hmm next is the wonderful, painful yet scary experience.......why wonderful?? the rovers, leader and scouts over in Malaysia....they were great host and great fun....they cracked jokes with us...and treated us juz like brothers and sisters..... and seeing the waterfall was a great pleasure....yet it became a painful experience.... why painful.... with the mindset that it was only a 1 hour walk to view the waterfall......we leaders decided to wear sandals and enjoyed the wondorous view of waterfall..... up the slope towards waterfall... I realized that my sandals was giving way....and in my mind 1 hour walk.... so it would be alright for me to take off my sandals and walked....who knows.......it turned out to be painful.... I suffered from cuts... bleeding soles.....and I kept dragging my soles to walk..... I tried to wear back my sandals but it was useless.... lucky thing I got my scouts to cheer me on and I struggled thru with bare feet....and kept going....and knocking my poor head against the logs and branches.... I am dead exhusated.... yet I kept moving.... with the waterfall in my mind.... and I need to lead my scouts too...so I need to keep walking.... finally I reached the waterfall!! and what is shocking the nightfall came faster than we expected it.....the jungle was in complete darkness.....
lucky thing I got torchlight from 1 of my leaders....we struggled down the mountain.... by the time we reached the waterfall.... we had climb for the past 3 hours!!! where got 1 hour?? OMG!!! inside my mind I was screaming .... yet I cannot fall down now.... coz I still need to lead my group pple back safely to the campsite..... with my 2 teachers in the front row....all of us marched down towards safe zone...... but I still move without my sandals..... but when we started heading back...... I heard callings.... my colleague moved and slipped along the way..... this was scary... but I need to keep my cool and rushed to help him.... calling out to scouts and getting some of them to aid him..... lucky thing.... my scouts are alright and 2 of them managed to help him.... we kept moving on.... all of us were exhuasted and wanna to give up.... but we encouraged each other....and sung songs....this is how we kept our spirits high.... and finally we made it to the exit.... along the way....all of us screamed due to horrible leeches.... which sucked our blood....painful bites from them.... I got hit by many posion ivy thorns.....and leeches bite.....and to make things worse..... my poor soles were bleeding due to deep cuts....but I need to move on...if not I cannot see my scouts again and my loved ones..... so I need to get out safely and alive.....
finally.... I thought we were going to enjoy the ride back home in the vehicle....who knows...this is juz purely accident.....the vehicle was not safe at all....the driver did not pull the hand brake fully.....and when we loaded up the pple.... out of the sudden...the vehicle went backwards.....and all of us including myself..... we were heading off the stream....and if the vehicle hit the stones....the vehicle would overturn....and all of us were going to die..... and at that instant.... my mind went blank.... I could not think and I could not react at all.... all I knew I was so going to die.... but I would die with regrets.... coz I have not say goodbye to my loved ones..... but lucky.... seriously lucky....one of the wheels went struck onto the big stones....and my leader ran to put up the handbrake.....then all of us pushed the vehicle back and rush back to the campsite..... this was the most scary thing I ever encounter.....and this is a great lesson learnt....and I would never wanna to experience again....
shaken by the fear.... I scolded my girls horribly but I did apologize and explain why.... coz I need to check whether all my scouts have return safely to campsite.....lucky all of them were there.....and still shaking .... I kept my cool and started giving pple first aid......but I forgot abt myself....till I made sure all my kids are safe and sound and they were resting well....
my whole body was hit by posion ivy thorns and my poor soles had stopped bleeding due to the soild and dirt....but my inner thighs and buttocks were bleeding due to bites....enduring the pain.... i rushed to bathe and sleep for the night....by the way.....we hiked for the past 7 hours or not... OMG.....
lucky for us....the next immediate day we headed back to our hotel and took a well deserving rest.... for the rest of the travel... it was juz purely having fun and laughters in order to forget abt this horrifying life threatening memory...... but all of us agreed that we missed the trip and wished that the trip could actually last longer ^^
Sunday, November 22, 2009
weird dream
last nite..... had a weird dream.......
the sudden downpour caused massive flooding around me...... i saw pple running around..... i was in the midst of doing work........ then i called out to the pple around me to run towards the shelter...... and the erosion was so bad that most of the earth were eroded away by the rain..... there was a whirpool..... but lucky we were not affected though it drew near to us....
our belongings were slowly swiped away by the water..... i shouted out to pple to grab our stuffs..... i was sucked into the eroded earthern.... threw the stuffs away and quickly put myself out and ran to a safe envt..... i called out to others to keep digging to another safe place... pple were crying..... shaken..... dazed....... my voices could not reached them.......
i found myself witnessing the flood came rushing into the building........and lost to it................
so what does this dream mean??
the sudden downpour caused massive flooding around me...... i saw pple running around..... i was in the midst of doing work........ then i called out to the pple around me to run towards the shelter...... and the erosion was so bad that most of the earth were eroded away by the rain..... there was a whirpool..... but lucky we were not affected though it drew near to us....
our belongings were slowly swiped away by the water..... i shouted out to pple to grab our stuffs..... i was sucked into the eroded earthern.... threw the stuffs away and quickly put myself out and ran to a safe envt..... i called out to others to keep digging to another safe place... pple were crying..... shaken..... dazed....... my voices could not reached them.......
i found myself witnessing the flood came rushing into the building........and lost to it................
so what does this dream mean??
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