tired....

so what can I do now??

nothing... there's nothing much I can do now.....and I don't know what can I do.... whom I can turn to.....

I don't think I can turn to anyone.....and I would not turn to anyone anymore.... coz the pple ard me........seems to have their own piece of problem...... I never wanna to add burden to anyone....... telling anyone abt it is definitely a NO NO for me

human only....

how to make pple to understand me??

it is tough and difficult.....

I tried getting my students to understand my stand... yet they become more defiant...and not willing to do anything..... I can no longer stretch my hand further to help them.... seeing them getting into more troubles is not wat i wanna.....yet some of them even request to be suspended from school... is it worth it??

then next.... i am facing too many problems at one go.....and it is disheartening to know that.... at times... pple expected things from you and not giving back to you .... what a great joke.... but this is harsh reality..... i cannot change others..... coz they have their own mindset.... juz did not like to be labelled by others....

after so many things.... i came to realization......i'm only a human being... who is not a deity.... i cannot do alot of things..... i am a human with feelings..... yet at times..... my feelings are not been taken into consideration..... i am only a human..... a human which faces breaking down again and again..... what can i do......

Dec trip....unforgettable trip

hmm.... I was suppose to have a short break for myself before the whole term start again in jan 2010...yet I was sent to taiwan to work for 8 days...then I need to bring my scouts for trip for another 8 days.....though tiring and was on official duty.... it was still worth it....

well.... I am not touching on my taiwan trip....coz rather the same for most of the days.....

what is more exciting and unforgettable would my trip with my scouts.....

this is the first official trip which I organized for my scouts....most of my time.... the trip was organized by others... and my scouts juz merely joined in.....and when I took over.... I realized I was not totally up to the task.....but I did not wanna my scouts to miss the chance.....so I went ahead and make the trip to be a real exciting trip for them.... but the planning side was tedious and draining....and it was so bad that it put my relationship to strain....and lucky thing my guy was a great one.... he supported me thru the planning.....even though he suffered from emotional hurt too....and I feel very very upset with myself.....but I am real glad that my guy supported me....and real glad that I found someone who adores me and my job ^^

hmm okie okie back to the trip..... well.... we went for white water rafting, high element and caving.... the rafting was cool and fun....... pple would think that you might drown.... maybe but if you are cool and dont panic you would be able to float.... but no worries..... the pple there are expert in handling us... so when we are trying to struggle... they would come near to us and give us the helping hand and I was able to survive.... haha i never went to play the high element...coz this is something I knew I can never do it.... it was so so so tall....and I had cold feet.... so I skipped and I regretted that.... hmmm if given the chance again......erm... I would skip again....haha coz I knew I can never do it de....

oh next caving.... hee this is the first time I did caving.....and the experience was fanstatic.... all of us gotten all wet and cold..... but teamwork was there... my grp pple were able to give others an helping hand... and I am very proud of my team ^^ they are such wonderful kids

hmm next is the wonderful, painful yet scary experience.......why wonderful?? the rovers, leader and scouts over in Malaysia....they were great host and great fun....they cracked jokes with us...and treated us juz like brothers and sisters..... and seeing the waterfall was a great pleasure....yet it became a painful experience.... why painful.... with the mindset that it was only a 1 hour walk to view the waterfall......we leaders decided to wear sandals and enjoyed the wondorous view of waterfall..... up the slope towards waterfall... I realized that my sandals was giving way....and in my mind 1 hour walk.... so it would be alright for me to take off my sandals and walked....who knows.......it turned out to be painful.... I suffered from cuts... bleeding soles.....and I kept dragging my soles to walk..... I tried to wear back my sandals but it was useless.... lucky thing I got my scouts to cheer me on and I struggled thru with bare feet....and kept going....and knocking my poor head against the logs and branches.... I am dead exhusated.... yet I kept moving.... with the waterfall in my mind.... and I need to lead my scouts too...so I need to keep walking.... finally I reached the waterfall!! and what is shocking the nightfall came faster than we expected it.....the jungle was in complete darkness.....

lucky thing I got torchlight from 1 of my leaders....we struggled down the mountain.... by the time we reached the waterfall.... we had climb for the past 3 hours!!! where got 1 hour?? OMG!!! inside my mind I was screaming .... yet I cannot fall down now.... coz I still need to lead my group pple back safely to the campsite..... with my 2 teachers in the front row....all of us marched down towards safe zone...... but I still move without my sandals..... but when we started heading back...... I heard callings.... my colleague moved and slipped along the way..... this was scary... but I need to keep my cool and rushed to help him.... calling out to scouts and getting some of them to aid him..... lucky thing.... my scouts are alright and 2 of them managed to help him.... we kept moving on.... all of us were exhuasted and wanna to give up.... but we encouraged each other....and sung songs....this is how we kept our spirits high.... and finally we made it to the exit.... along the way....all of us screamed due to horrible leeches.... which sucked our blood....painful bites from them.... I got hit by many posion ivy thorns.....and leeches bite.....and to make things worse..... my poor soles were bleeding due to deep cuts....but I need to move on...if not I cannot see my scouts again and my loved ones..... so I need to get out safely and alive.....

finally.... I thought we were going to enjoy the ride back home in the vehicle....who knows...this is juz purely accident.....the vehicle was not safe at all....the driver did not pull the hand brake fully.....and when we loaded up the pple.... out of the sudden...the vehicle went backwards.....and all of us including myself..... we were heading off the stream....and if the vehicle hit the stones....the vehicle would overturn....and all of us were going to die..... and at that instant.... my mind went blank.... I could not think and I could not react at all.... all I knew I was so going to die.... but I would die with regrets.... coz I have not say goodbye to my loved ones..... but lucky.... seriously lucky....one of the wheels went struck onto the big stones....and my leader ran to put up the handbrake.....then all of us pushed the vehicle back and rush back to the campsite..... this was the most scary thing I ever encounter.....and this is a great lesson learnt....and I would never wanna to experience again....

shaken by the fear.... I scolded my girls horribly but I did apologize and explain why.... coz I need to check whether all my scouts have return safely to campsite.....lucky all of them were there.....and still shaking .... I kept my cool and started giving pple first aid......but I forgot abt myself....till I made sure all my kids are safe and sound and they were resting well....

my whole body was hit by posion ivy thorns and my poor soles had stopped bleeding due to the soild and dirt....but my inner thighs and buttocks were bleeding due to bites....enduring the pain.... i rushed to bathe and sleep for the night....by the way.....we hiked for the past 7 hours or not... OMG.....

lucky for us....the next immediate day we headed back to our hotel and took a well deserving rest.... for the rest of the travel... it was juz purely having fun and laughters in order to forget abt this horrifying life threatening memory...... but all of us agreed that we missed the trip and wished that the trip could actually last longer ^^

weird dream

last nite..... had a weird dream.......

the sudden downpour caused massive flooding around me...... i saw pple running around..... i was in the midst of doing work........ then i called out to the pple around me to run towards the shelter...... and the erosion was so bad that most of the earth were eroded away by the rain..... there was a whirpool..... but lucky we were not affected though it drew near to us....

our belongings were slowly swiped away by the water..... i shouted out to pple to grab our stuffs..... i was sucked into the eroded earthern.... threw the stuffs away and quickly put myself out and ran to a safe envt..... i called out to others to keep digging to another safe place... pple were crying..... shaken..... dazed....... my voices could not reached them.......

i found myself witnessing the flood came rushing into the building........and lost to it................

so what does this dream mean??

no more.......

things are piling up yet i still trying to pull off by meeting the deadlines....

and i'm stressed out....totally stressed out and drained......

yet i would be facing more challenges and work ahead and meeting tons of deadlines........

if only i could choose....... i would choose.............
but it would be irresponsible of my own actions............

the more i tried to safe guard my loved ones feelings........ i hurt them and that the last thing in my mind........ i faced cases like this..........and turned out that things gone haywired ......... but at least i learnt something from there.........

it is so easy to tell others.....hey juz talk it out to others.........and u feel better..........
but it is so difficult for pple like me.......... i'm not expressive and i tend to keep on talking abt it and this make pple feel so sick abt it.............. and my job?? why pple tends to put labels onto me......... and it is making me feeling breathless..... feeling lost..... feeling frustrated........feeling so bottled........... what can i do........

i have no means of ways to tell pple........ when i try to tell others how i feel........ things would be cut off....... maybe this is it...... i shld have learn to listen even more than talking....

so no more talking....... no more talking .........

Linking depression with SAW movies

done with watching SAW series.... finally... praying hard that there's no more series if not there's no link to this serial killing anymore

well......it is fate that brought me to this series......it goes like this.....

this particular person is way too smart for anyone...and able to think way further than anyone else.... which is highly possible..... anyway he went on a killing spree after he found out that he got cancer and he wanted others to sort of making redemption/ repent on the things they have done in the past.... so he choose pple that he came across and those he deemed as bad person...by giving them a choice.... choose to live by hurting self/ others or choose to die...

this movie brought so many negative energy around...... to others it might be juz a movie which depicts killing...depicts psycho killer...... yet to me it is not......

it is more than juz that..... well can say i think too much or relate too much but this is what i see from the movies.....

it is saddening to watch this series..... though killing initially is bloody, distasteful...... so ugly.... look beyond the killing..... look beyond the blood....look beyond everything.... don't let such distasteful sight destroy the main concept of this story

pple are tied to chains....on the edge on dying.... they are screaming for help... this is similar to cases of depressions.... those pple who suffered from depressions are similar to this series.....
pple who suffered from depression.... some of them can identify some don't..... and all of them are tied down to chains... and these chains are locking them tight down.....

depression is like razor blades cutting their flesh..... painful yet not deadly.... unless left to bleed to its death... there are many pple who commit suicide due to depression..... in the movie... the pple are screaming for help yet in vain.... trying to find a way to survive thru the painful ordeal.... this is the true facts of life..... pple are screaming for help..... yet how many pple would be able to know.....

juz like in the movie.... all of the victims are locked in rooms which no one knows... this is the same.... pple suffering from depression....... they are locked in their own world with no clear marked exits.....no one can hear their screams..... it is not that they are not screaming yet their screams have been sealed off..... their ability to scream for help has been sealed for a moment... if they are strong enough..... and fast enough.... they would be able to fight back..... some pple are more fortunate...... coz they have been found by others and been saved by others.... then after which they found a new leash of life.......

but a twisted fact in this movie....which is also kinda true.... some pple may deemed to be freed and saved themselves and worked for the killer..... then in the end.... they would be killed..... this is the harsh reality for some pple..... there are cases whereby pple are on the road to recovery yet in the end.... they are been hit down by harsh reality once again and it dampened them further into the pithole.....and on the surface they deemed to be enjoying.... deemed to be living well.... but their emotional wellness are not......they are suffering yet no one knows.... and some of them have been marked by others stating that they shld have recovered or they shld not be suffering from it blah blah..... come to think again..... all of us are humans and we are bound by emotional ties....and we cannot escape from it.... and severity of the damage depends besides on the person who is suffering and the pple ard them...... whether there're support for them....

if not .... this would be forever silent screaming.........

sigh....

ever wonder have the things that i am working on for so long have been affecting my whole life?? i never given a thought to it.... till lately....

and re-considering the things i am going to do in the near future... would it further affect my life?? i seriously have no confidence in it.. coz it is difficult to say.... i am worried yet not willing to give up to do the things i loved so much... would i be able to find the inner peace to get it done??

judging from the things i saw.... i heard.... i guess i have to move on and fast.... time to let it go

letting my anxiety get it to me.... so be it... at least i have another direction i can move on.....

allow me to pray hard that i can find my own place, my directions, my purpose in life fast