Unpredictable....

alot of things in life are unpredictable.... it happens when it is least expected.... and at times the events are so hurting yet willingly to go thru the events.... coz you know that the events are part and parcel of life......

at times... pple would think that it would be crazy to go thru the pain... and would even question is it worth the pain or is it worth the tears? I used to think in this manner... I could not understand why some pple are willing to go thru the struggle... yet ... lately... I began to see the light... and slowly begin to understand what others are going through....

Dreams.... goals.... whatever I used to desire... I have dropped it along my years of working... I've never desired to obtain those again.... yet I faced with a certain event.... which push me to re-think... shld I have the willpower to move forward again and re-find my true self? Would I be able to get my desired happiness?

I would say... thru out my years of living....I'm always been blessed by God and been loved by so many pple.... even now I'm truly blessed.... and I would say I have no regrets to live till this age...but I'm a greedy person whom tend to desire more out of the normal...this is something I need to learn... learning to let go....learning to desire less....learning to take things more lightly....maybe then I would live a much better life than now.... maybe learning to let go means learning to love...... at times holding too tightly would means causing pain to self and others...

I do not have much time now... I do not have much time to learn these.... I need to accept all these and learn it now before it gets too late.....And wish that after all these I would be a stronger person to handle events that might shake my world...rock my work or crush my world.... I'm working on it now...though I have to swallow down all my tears... I have to make it thru.... Crying alone is my only solution and console to myself...yet now I could not cry... and I cannot cry...coz crying is only means escaping from the pain temporary.... I would like to stop crying...and promise myself I would try my best not to cry in public again...never cry in front of others....crying is my only comfort....and getting out of my comfort zone is tough yet I still need to do it.....

hOliDays >.<

finally ^^ Holidays are here.... long waited break....

hmmm come to think of it.... my job does give me a break when i needed.... so though I met with challenges... I think it is worth the effort...coz I get to see my kids grow

anyway... this year... sigh I don't have much time to rest anyway.... coz I was given another job ^^ haha it is okie... well juz take it with a pinch of salt... and treat this as a different way to spend my holidays.... haha it is good for me ^^ coz at times... given too much a break.... I would be bored to death... haha not sure what can I do next before the school term starts.... and similar to the youngsters... would think why why the school term start without a blink

haha I guess this is human nature ^^ anyway would be using this holiday of mine to create more great memories and enjoyable moments.....

Thank You~

Hmmm ar...today is my Bday ^^

and seriously~ never I would thought that I would be celebrating my Bday in such special and sweet moments ~

well on thursday ~ a few of my scouts (including my cousin) celebrated my Bday in school ^^ and bought me gifts^^ haha seriously I did not expect that to happen~ and when they mentioned that they need to see me urgently I thought there's something important!! and who knows it turned out to be a pleasant surprise ^^ they bought cake and gifts for me~ thanks girls ^^ and thanks to 1T1 girls too ^^ thanks for the gift ^^

haha next is yesterday 2nd May ~ lol ... my graduated student (whom also my scout ~ Christine) msged me whether I'm free to meet her for dinner ^^ it has been so long I went out with her...and she told she would get another girl (JiaYing) along for dinner... of coz I would meet both of them ^^ I really missed them ^^ so I went ahead and met them ^^.... ar we travelled to Central and walked to look for clothes ^^.... haha who knows!! out of the sudden... 1 familiar voice dropped the bomb!! lol it is my SON aka WeeTiong ^^ haha then went out to see... haha I saw my another SON aka YuXuan and my Brother aka Marcus ^^ haha it was a wonderful surprise ^^ really very happy to see them ^^ haha we went for dinner then head down for K box....^^ really very happy to see all them ^^

then another great surprise came by to me ..... ~ WeeKeong and Garbiel my ventures ^^... lol out of the sudden~ Garbiel Msg me ...and I thought Sherlyn needed the information fast!! so I rushed back home to find the information for her.... who knows!! when Garbiel msg me to open my house door~ I found a gift lying outside the door!! wah ^^ super cutie!! it is pluto!! haha then 2 of them came out to wish me happy Bday ^^ it was great to see them too.... esp they have juz started lesson in poly....

I'm greatly touched by their gestures.... never thought that I would enjoyed my Bday in this manner.... seriously I was really very happy^^

thanks pple ^^ I would work hard this year and may my wish come true ^^

^^ happiness... would it continue to stay or....

hmm.... today is Sports Day ^^

and I'm glad to see abt 12~13 students from my class... oh well.... out of 33.. I have 12~13... others may think that I'm mad to think that I'm glad...

but truly I'm really happy that things turn out fine and well....well I'm glad to see most of my students.... right now really truly worried abt their upcoming exams...

well vinoth... He told me that he does not really appreciate for the fact that I broke down and cried for such a stupid reason....but he's appreicated my concern towards him ^^ well it made my day ^^ truly felt very happy abt that...

and I muz admitted that I'm dead worried abt all my students....and not for my sake.... yet for theirs.... though some may think that I'm lying... it is okie for them to think in this way...

I'm happy if they managed to pass their exams...and found their pathway to their future ^^

and that would the kind of happiness I'm seeking for ...

another kind of happiness filled me up ^^......

haha well it was last sat ^^... I went out with my grp of friends.... ar.... finally I get to see them especially Chaveil ^^ hahaha... what crazy time we had.... haha though it was up till evening.... I managed to speak to most of them ^^ haha really really enjoyed that ^^ and hope to see them soon.....er provided I can finished marking my upcoming exam papers ^^

I'm wishing for my happiness to continue to stay with me.....

Movie- Departures

Hmm last sunday, my friends and I decided to catch a film... name "Departures" ... initially I thought it was a film regarding air flights.... who knows... it was about pple working like the deathkeeper... they are a group of pple who help to clean the dead bodies and dressed them as beautiful as possible, before they are burned to ashes....

ah...interesting film I would say.... it gave pple many different views to think abt their lives... their values...

hahaha... another show which made me cried so much... that in the end I gave up using tissues... coz I think it would be a waste of tissues ^^ so I juz continued to cry and cry... crying...yes it did release part of my stress... and bring me back to life... it brings me back to this mother earth once again.... it makes me feel so good.....

I cried due to sadness.... especially when the living are grateful to them for helping their dead partners to look pretty before they truly end their lives.... and they are able to keep their beautiful looks in eternal memory.... ya indeed... it brought me back to my last look at my grandmother.... I regretted that I did not see her for the last time.... and I cried so hard coz in that film, others had the chance to see their dead partner for the last time...and it makes me realize that I never have that chance again... never ever see my grandmother again.... and this makes me feel so so sad... fill with sorrow... regrets....but what can I do now??

then when the last part of the film.... whereby the main lead found his dad....and dead... he was willing to clean his father...though he hated his father for leaving him and his mother for another women for the past 30 years... he kept cleaning... clean his face....and slowly it brought back the fond memories...and his memory of his father.... and that is when I broke down.... I truly broke down.... the kind of love that the son held for his father was strong and hid deep down in his heart... the intense love that he had... made me realize that I was not that strong.... nope I was not a strong person who can accept this.... but yet with this realization I would try to be stronger and worked towards creating a better living place for my family...and love them more than ever... this film brings back the human part of me....a part which was lost during the midst of my studies...yet it does bring back the anxiety part of me too.... now i am very worried abt tons of things....sigh...

but i would strongly recommend this film... it was worth watching ^^

it is blessings afterall

I was worried... I've that irky feeling since morning 4am today... I could not sleep again... I woke up and stare at the ceiling....

My father had weird feelings too... but none of us could figure out what is that....and wished I could know what is that at that point of time.... and something could be save .......

anyway.... around 7plus... my dad came back after sending my younger brother to army.... strange... he should be on his way to work.... how come??

after which.... he told my mom and me..... he met with car accident.... his car rear was badly damage....though still can drive.... I was shocked.... shaken.... yet I could not express that to my father.... all we can do was to ask my dad.... did he suffer from any bumps or any scratches.... anyway sent him to see doc...... lucky thing... it is over.... only physical damages to the car...

out of the sudden.... death once again came upon to my life.... though it is not the real thing.... and I could not think of the real thing happening to my family members.... sigh... thought that I had been suffering from diarrhoea for 4 days was bad enough... never I knew I would receive such news.... I was mentally and physically torn...

living with no regrets is my motto....yet for that instant I do have regrets.... regrets that I yet have the chance to travel with my parents since I worked as a teacher..... my working time schedule is tight.... and so difficult to arrange the correct timing for all..... but no more.... I would arrange trips to other countries with my parents.... bringing them to see the world.... all I wanna is my family members are happy .... I would be happy.... so though the horrible news came to me... it is a blessings afterall.... as I do get another chance to arrange events to make my family members happy especially my parents....

Parents are the greatest in the world... family members should be loved, so do try to spend quality time with your family members and do not impose too many things on them.... living together should be filled with funs and laughters.... and not asking them to achieve something that they could not achieve.... my parents never once pressurize me... all they said is "just do your best" and due to that... I have lived my life to the fullest till now... and would continue to live my life to the fullest together with my family members =)

Enough is Enough

I'm depressed... really depressed....

depression has set in.... and could not run away from the harsh reality....have been depressed since the 2nd week of school term.... since the day I faced my class.... when I heard so many things about them.... and worried that I could not support them throughout the whole entire sec 3 journey.... thus... depression set in.... depressed, worries..... could not run away.....

though depressed.... I do have kids who are there to support me through their lovely smiles, cranky jokes etc.... they are very very lovely kids.... pple like shu zhuang, zhi xiang, elwyn, fu qi, khairul, cindy, yung fung, tiong en and many more....

they are the ones who bring light and lighten my burden..... especially zhi xiang and elwyn.... initally they are the big bosses..... making noises, do not come to school regularly... yet now.... they are the ones who gain back the trust of others... they have been praised by others!! and this is the best gift in my life.... to know kids who are willing to give a try and build miracles... and I do wish that they could continue this hard work... and I would try my best to see all my kids thru sec 4.... and graduate together....

but there are pple in my class.... whom I could not reach out.... really cannot reach to them... I'm defeated badly in the battle... or have I not listen to their voices properly? have I not ask the correct questions to allow them to reach back to me?? I really don't know.... take an example... damien... a smart chap...yet he is one of my worries.... as I could not understand him at all.... I wanna to understand him yet I failed to do so.... I have failed badly as his FT, after 2 years and upcoming third year... I still don't understand him at all..... and there are too many pple in my class whom I do not have a personal touch with... thus I could not understand their thoughts and feelings...

Or am I the one enclosing my feelings... closing my doors?? or are they the ones who are building the great wall of China?? Who are the one responsible for the walls? for the barriers??

I'm depressed.... super depressed.... so bad till I wanna to hibernate..... hide to a hidden dungeon and rot my life there..... wahhhahaha.... sound cool and great.... why am I so depressed?? simple.... depressed over the fact that I actually losing patience and passion over my class... I do not used to have such feelings... I do not like such feelings.... how can I have such thoughts and feelings.... this is very very very bad.... I have creepy nightmares... I have not slept well since the 2nd week of school term.... sleeping and waking up in cold sweat... I kept falling into the black pit-hole... I do not like the feeling of losing passion... would I be able to love my kids more than ever?? I do not wanna them to suffer juz due to my depression....

would I be able to escape the blackhole???